Listening for a Change
The Wellness Compass Initiative is our partner community wellness initative that serves schools, counseling centers, nonprofits, universities, and other community wellness organizations. Each week Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, who are both licensed marriage and family therapists, co- write a column for Wellness Compass and we are pleased to share it here on our Living Compass site. There is also a Wellness Compass podcast, where Scott and Holly elaborate on the topic of this column each week, at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast. or in any podcast app (Apple, Google, Spotify, etc).
Listening for a Change
(Part 1 of an Updated 6-Part Series on
Understanding Growth & Change)
Four years ago, we wrote a series of six columns about the process of change—how it starts, what keeps it going, and why it's often so hard. Since then, people have regularly asked us to share information from those columns again. As marriage and family therapists who've spent decades working with individuals, couples, families, and organizations, we've learned that understanding how change actually works is key to making the changes we want to make. So we decided it was time to update this series. For the next six columns (and podcasts), we'll look at how change begins with listening, the stages we go through, what keeps us stuck, and what helps change last. So, if you're thinking about a change or already in the middle of one, we hope this series is helpful.
Whether or not we make New Year's resolutions, a lot of us take stock of our lives this time of year. We pause and ask ourselves if there are changes we want to make. The turning of the calendar invites us to think about what in our lives needs attention. What might need to shift or grow?
One idea we've found to be helpful—both in our own lives and with our clients—is what we call "listening to the whispers." It's pretty simple: all meaningful change begins with listening. Often a desire or need for change first shows up as a whisper, a quiet feeling that something's not quite right. The whisper might sound like:
"I'm feeling disconnected from _______. I'm not sure how to fix that, and honestly, I'm afraid to take the first step, but I know it's time."
"I used to make time for ________, and I really miss that. I want to find a way to bring it back."
"The pace of my life is wearing me out. I can feel it in my body, and I want to do something about it before I burn out."
"My relationship with alcohol (or screens, or work, or shopping) has changed in ways that worry me. I want to address this now, while I still can."
"This job doesn't fit who I'm becoming anymore. I'm going to start looking at what else is out there."
"I feel called to get more involved in what's happening in my community. I'm going to talk to people who are already doing the kind of work I want to do."
"There are things in our family we keep avoiding. I think we could be stronger if we started being more honest with each other."
"I keep hearing people talk about meditation and how much it helps them. I'm curious about what that might do for me."
That inner voice, that whisper that something needs to change, is easy to ignore. After all, it's only a whisper. But here's what we've noticed: when a whisper goes unheeded, it doesn't just go away. The pattern we see again and again is that the whisper gets louder. Gradually our inner voice starts to shout. And what happens if we don't listen even then? Eventually something breaks through—a consequence, maybe even a crisis—something we can't ignore anymore.
When it comes to taking care of ourselves and our relationships, we need to learn to listen to these hints. Healthy people, couples, families, leaders, and organizations do this regularly. They take honest looks in the mirror. And because they know they can still fool themselves, they ask for honest feedback from people they trust. They create ways to get feedback so they can adapt and respond to warning signs. But it all starts with being willing to let our lives speak to us and actually listening to what wants and/or needs to change.
Our lives are always speaking to us. Together, let’s commit to listening to what they might be saying.
And speaking of change, we are making a small change with the frequency of our Wellness Column and Podcast. Due to other new initiatives that we are working on (more about that later!), we will be moving from a weekly format to an every other week format. So look for our next column and podcast in two weeks, and every other week thereafter. And please note that this change came from a “whisper” that reminded us that our bandwidth has limits and that we can’t develop new initiatives without making space for the energy they require!
Making It Personal—These questions can help you listen more closely to what your life might be saying right now:
1. What do you think about the idea that all meaningful change begins with listening?
2. Can you think of a time when you listened to a whisper in your life, and it led to something good?
3. Listening to your life right now, what's one change that's calling for your attention as we start this new year?
In the weeks ahead, we'll explore the stages of change, what helps transformation stick, and how to work with resistance—both the kind inside us and the kind from others. We're looking forward to this journey with you.
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